How to begin? The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. My journey began a long time ago, although I'm not sure whether it began with my first moment, or with my first desire to change my circumstances when I was a child, or with that first time someone outside my circle told me I deserved more.
I have had a whole swag of attempts - you know those pictures of brains and all that curly surface? That's my journey: around and around, up hill and down dale, curves, diversions, dead ends, around a bit more, over and under, forging ahead and around a bit more. But always with the sense that I am looking for a better life than my current location would have me believe is my lot in life. Not that I have been discontent my whole life or I'm not grateful for my many and varied blessings and experiences. I have had my share of excellence and goodness. And I can't say that I would like to change any of my past, because I am a sum of my blessings and experiences, guilty moments, choices, journeys, hardships, lessons, loves and losses and all the people who have had an influence on me in any way. It all counts.
But ... yeah, I know, there is always a but ;-) But... I expect better of myself. And that is what drives me. I know I am not being the best I can be. I'm there with me in the dark moments, and I know what's going on here people. My children's paediatrician said to me once, "Don't worry. In my experience, if you are worried about your parenting, then you are doing OK. It's the people who don't even worry about it that are the ones to worry about." He was right of course. If we are not even questioning ourselves, then we are lost. But that doesn't mean I can't strive to do and be better. Just stop beating myself up about the whole not being perfect thing. And not just with parenting. I see that doctor's statement as wisdom for the whole of life. I could worry endlessly about everything, but then I'd never have time to notice how beautiful a simple jug of white daisies on my table is.
And so my journey continues.
love Heather x
Every step is one step closer to who I thought I would be when I was 16.
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